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By: Dexter Ford
I’ve never met Jesse James. I interviewed him on the phone once, researching a piece for The New York Times, and he seemed like a nice-enough guy. Not many of his quotes were printable—I think “f-----d” was the fourth word out of his mouth—but for a man whose job description is “edgy rebel chopper guy”, he came across as a human with whom I might like to have a beer.
I even suggested an episode for his new series, “Jesse James is A Dead Man”. I said that instead of jumping another nitro-burning monster truck through an erupting volcano, he should try doing something that’s really scary, like leaving a chain-lube handprint on the wife’s new slipcover. Or speaking when she asks if that dirndl makes her ass look big.
Glowing with the knowledge that Jesse and I, were, well, BFFs now, and that he and Sandra (Bullock, you know) and the kids would probably be dropping by for dinner next week, I looked forward to the next episode of JJIADM. He was going to cheat death, yet again, by riding his “custom ice bike” to deliver much-needed medicine to a desolate, wind-swept Inuvialuit village up above the Arctic Circle.
Expectations were high. Questions hovered above my micro-fiber, heated-massage Lazy-Lounger. “What bike would he use?” “Can he ride worth a damn?” And “How had all these apparently disease-ridden Inuvialuits survived without prescription medication all these years before Jesse came over the hill, like some frosty, tattooed cavalryman?”
Tuktoyaktuk—“Tuk”—is described in the episode’s intro as a pretty bleak, backward place. “Every winter Tuk’s brave inhabitants struggle to survive,” begins the voice-of-doom voiceover. “Tuk has no hospital. No airport. And only one general store…”
Videotaped villagers beseech Jesse to please, please come quick. One older Inuvialuit, presumably from Tuk, pines for his heart meds—“The store is almost out,” he says.
The “custom ice bike” turns out to be a BMW R1200 G/S Adventure. With flames. Jesse and his crew didn’t seem to have much idea of where they were going, or what they could expect, or how to prep the bike, but they did know enough to bolt up tires with ice studs. Did I mention the flames?
Once in the Canadian upback, Jesse gathers the essential drugs, and he and a local rider tiptoe out into the snow. The going is slow, but the medicine must get through, gosh darn it. So on they go, into the teeth of the gale, Jesse dragging his feet, it seems, all 125 miles of the trip.
That’s when things started to smell funny.
Jesse was battling the elements, bringing vital medicine to Tuk. But aerial shots of the two bikes, brave specks in the frozen wasteland, revealed that along with the snowmobile-equipped film crew there was also a HELICOPTER along for the ride. The thought kept occurring: “Wouldn’t it be a better idea to put the medicine, I don’t know…into the HELICOPTER?”
When they camp for the night, it turns out that, along with the snowmobiles and the HELICOPTER, they have managed to bring a chainsaw, a gas-powered ice auger and, for all I know, a Honda-powered margarita blender. They chainsaw down half a forest and build a fire big enough to be seen from space—while commiserating about their impending hypothermia.
The next day, as they near Tuk, I can see the HELICOPTER hovering over Jesse’s shoulder as he wobbles along.
I was outraged. Jesse James, my new BFF, a fake? A phony? Just another media pig, famous for being famous? A tattooed Paris Hilton, but with better arc-welding technique?
I hit the Wikipedias, to see if Jesse and the boys had fudged anything else.
Remember that frightening intro, in which “Tuk has no hospital. No airport. And only one general store…”
Well, Tuk has no hospital, unless you count its fully staffed ROSIE OVAYOUK HEALTH CENTRE, with emergency services, free medical care, four nurses, the whole works. Tuk has no airport—unless you count Tuk’s AIRPORT, with its mile-long runway and daily scheduled flight service. Jesse should know that. Because, according to the locals, he flew out of the Tuk AIRPORT after his ride.
Tuk also has a very pissed-off mayor, The Honorable Merven Gruben—the guy who welcomed Jesse when he arrived in Tuk.
“Right off the bat, (the show) was a pile of crap,” he said in an interview with Katie May of the Canadian Northern News Services. “I think it was all a big, big lie,” he raged.
It gets worse, if that’s possible. Remember the village elder who asked Jesse to bring his life-sustaining heart medication? As it turns out, according to the Northern News Service, that man wasn’t even in Tuk at the time. He was in Inuvik—the “civilized” town where Jesse got the “drugs” in the first place.
I’ll give Mayor Gruben the last word. “People were saying Jesse James is a dead man…if he comes back to Tuk.”
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